Cycle Sport Dissin' My Boy. 04/06/04
Oh brother. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse for Mikey, yesterday, the April Fools' Day issue of "Cycle Sport" arrives. I notice my man Jonathan Vaughters has penned a piece analyzing Lance Armstrong's Tour preparation and, the BIG NEWS, an article on the USPS "Young Guns." Finally, MY MAN is gonna get some serious press. I start singin' part of that Sprung Monkey song "party like a rock star, kick alittle ass" from the greatest movie of all time, "Dude, Where's My Car." Shibby. So, I read the article on Armstrong. Digest the big controversy that he won't race for five weeks before the Tour starts. Is it good or bad? Jonathan has no clue. Blah, blah, blah. And then, I anxiously turn to page 71 for the BIG STORY. What is the first thing I see? A big picture of Benoit Joachim subtitled "Michael Creed," with a corresponding interview. Holy geez. First, I wonder who is more pissed off, Mikey or Benoit. Then it dawns on me, maybe Mike is paying Benny as a stunt double for close-ups. I mean, Benoit is HOT in a Luxembourgean sort of way (if you're into that sort of thing). Maybe Mike figured if he sent that picture to Mandy Moore, he'd have better luck. Just a theory. No, more likely, just another broken chain on the way to stardumb. I really appreciated the complimentary copy, too. "Creed has been a fixture of the US-based Prime Alliance team." A fixture? Makes him sound about as important as the lightbulb in the team van. The tenner of the interview is basically, "how the hell did you get on this team." At least Mike's learned the most important goal for the season "[d]on't get Lance angry." I can only fix blame for this debacle on Vaughters. He doesn't proofread. If Mike wants to sue him, I know a good lawyer. No, not me. I'd just demand an apology, a correction, and a full nude centerfold photo in the next issue. Lionel Putz, Esq.