Candy Speaks!, Restraining Orders and JV's boys. 8/2/2004
08/02/04 Preface and Apology Before going any farther, I would like to personally thank the four people who asked about my lengthy absence from the website. I'd like to apologize. I have no good excuse. I have a job. They expect me to make them a priority, since they pay me. Surprisingly, Mike doesn't pay me for this stuff. I know, it's hard to believe he wouldn't at least throw me some Postal swag for this kinda entertainment, but what can I say? It's been very busy at work, like 15-hours-a-day-seven-days-a-week busy. There are actually some chunks of the TDF I taped that I still haven't seen. Ahh, but enough of my whining, let's get down to the real news. Lionel Putz Exclusive: Mandy Moore Has Removed The Restraining Order! We have very big news in Creedville. Mandy Moore can finally get a good night's sleep. Mike Creed has gotten engaged. I know, it's a disappointment that Mike's off the market, even to some of you ladies out there. Of course no one will be more disappointed than the guy who showed up at the Olympic Trials RR wearing a prosthetic ass with "CREED" in big letters across it. Hey, I couldn't make this sh*t up. Take a look for yourself. I'd like to thank our friends at PezCycling.com for permission to use that picture. What's funny is Mike wasn't even at the race. Can you imagine how humiliated that guy musta felt? He shows up with his fake ass and Mike's name painted across it, just to show his support, and Mike doesn't show for the race. How did he explain to the other prosthetic Mike Creed ass wearing fans how he was humiliated at the Trials? Now, what's he supposed to do with that ass? God, I don't want to know. Where'd he get that thing in the first place? I mean, I hope it wasn't just laying around the house. Does he cuddle up with that thing at night? Maybe this guy brings a twisted new meaning to the Club Creed race motto, "everybody can come, it's free!" If only he'd known to show at Cascade instead. Interview with Candy Smores So who is this lucky lady that Mike has fallen for? Lionel sat down for a private exclusive interview with Mike's new fiance, Candy Smores. Let me say that Candy limited the topics she was willing to discuss, so I couldn't delve into some of the subjects about which I know you are most interested:

Lionel:	Candy, everyone is curious how you met Mike?
Candy:	Actually, it's a funny story, I was visiting Danny Pate and his wife. The first night, I heard some strange noises in the basement, I looked down there and thought I saw a homeless man sleeping. I was worried, so I called the police.The police came and talked to the guy in the basement. From the smell, the police were pretty sure he was some homeless guy down on his luck and who had broken in to get some sleep. I didn't know the guy, so I didn't protest when they removed him from the basement with a cardboard box of stuff and left him at a local homeless shelter.The next morning I mentioned it to Danny and he freaked. He told me that was his buddy, Mike Creed, his old teammate from Prime Alliance, who was staying over until he could find a more permanent residence. He explained the smell was probably his riding clothes drying out and the box, well, Mike uses that instead of a suitcase.We drove over to the shelter and picked him up. He said he slept OK, but was a little hungry, so we brought him home for some breakfast. I think he ate three bowls of cereal. Each one was a different kind.I realized he was kinda cute and funny, so I apologized for calling the police on him. Mike was very cool about it. He said it had been happening a lot lately. He seemed pretty interested in me when he found out I had a basement, too.
Lionel:	Wow, that's quite a story. So, this must have been before Mike signed with USPS?
Candy:	Yeah, that was kind of a shock. Just a few days later he got an e-mail that the team wanted him and he'd be riding with Lance.
Lionel:	Amazing.
Candy:	I didn't know much about cycling, but I figured if he was good enough to ride with Lance, he was a good catch or a good storyteller. Plus, by then he'd showered a couple of times and he was much cuter when he was clean.
Lionel:	So, you two have been together ever since?
Candy:	Yeah, I guess you could say it was love at first arrest.
Lionel:	People always ask me what Mike is really like. You must know better than anyone.
Candy:	Well, obviously, Mike is smart and funny. But he also has an odd side to him. For example, he's been wearing the same orange Mr. T t-shirt for several years and considers it an appropriate fashion statement for just about any occasion.Then there's the box I mentioned. You know, Mike has been on the road cycling for years now. He just found this huge box that he throws all his stuff in and mails it to the next place he's gonna be staying for awhile. He shipped it to Belgium and all around California. He just throws all his riding clothes in there. I don't even think he knows exactly what's in there.
Lionel:	Yes, I have to mention that Mike actually had the box shipped to my office. I immediately noticed two interesting things about the box. First, it was covered with tape marked "Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms." I guess the Bureau had some bomb-sniffing dogs on it. Or it may just may have been because he'd shipped it to the Olympic Headquarters for no apparent reason from a Mailboxes Etc. and didn't bother to pick it up. Of course, it did have an unmistakable odor, once I cracked it open. Does Mike wash his cycling clothes?
Candy:	Um, I think that question is outside the boundaries we laid down, Lionel, but let me just say—periodically.
Lionel:	All right, I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
Candy:	Oh, it's not that. Everyone knows Mike lives like a slob. He couldn't tell you what color his carpet is because of all the stuff on the floor. However, he is living proof that humans can adapt and has been giving it a gracious effort of late to keep things to just one condensed pile in our house.
Lionel:	Mike has had a very successful season, no doubt due to the fact that he's met you. Can you give us any insights into Mike's training secrets?
Candy:	Secrets? Huummm. He does eat three different kinds of cereal for breakfast. Does that count as a training secret?
Lionel:	Well, it's a start. We've all seen "The Lance Chronicles." If you were going to describe "The Creed Chronicles," what would a typical day be like?
Candy:	Oh, that's much easier. Mike sleeps late. Gets up. Puts on whatever clothes happen to be closest to his feet and heads for the kitchen. (Makes me a cup of coffee and brings it to my bedside, wise and thoughtful man he is.) After the cereal, he gets on the internet for a while. Eventually, he goes out for a bike ride. He's usually gone for a few hours, depending on the weather. Then he comes home and showers, puts on whatever clothes are closest to his feet, and then plays some video games or makes some crank calls until "Chappelle's Show" comes on.
Lionel:	Fascinating.
Candy:	Yeah, being a professional cyclist is a hard job.
Lionel:	Well, what about the future?
Candy:	Mike had a good year and is hungry for more. He rode well in the Tour de Georgia with Lance and won the Cascade Classic. In Europe, he's still learning about handling professional racing, but he's hung in everywhere the team has asked him to go. I think the team wants to resign him, and I know Mike wants to ride with Lance again.
Lionel:	I guess Mike's agent better get his ass in gear. Well, Candy, thank you very much for those insights. I think we've all learned a lot about Mike. Everyone wishes you congratulations on your engagement, and the best of luck.

Mike Cranks Me All I can say is thank god for Candy. She was in Europe for three weeks recently while Mike was riding Fitchburg and Cascade. Mike was staying in host housing and I could tell he was getting bored out of his mind when he started crank calling me. Like I wouldn't recognize his voice, no matter how he tried to disguise it. Once he cranked me as "Ramon, you remember, from the convention. I thought we had some real chemistry and I'm in town and wanted to see if you were interested in getting together." Mike employed his patented Spanish accent as a cover, but no fooling Lionel. If only I coulda gotten "The Prosthetic Assman" to call him back for me. Other times, he'd just call late at night to check in so I'd know he was alive. It was fun to talk with him, since he was really ripping things up on the road and I could tell he was having a good time and feeling good on the bike. Once he asked me what I was wearing though, so I hung up on him. Post-Tour Cage Matches Between Armstrong And Lemond/Simeoni/Spitting German Fans Since Lance passed on the Olympics, I was thinking, instead of those boring post-Tour criteriums, why not put together a WWE style series of cage matches between LA and all the people who pissed him off during the Tour? It's a pretty long list, so these could get some solid ratings on cable, and since OLN apparently has run out of cycling for the year, let's give it a shot. Let's see:

Walsh

Ballester

O'Reilly

Swart

Greg Lemond

Kathy Lemond

The guys who pick the last k finishes in the Tour

JML (for a bunch of reasons, but the L'Alpe d'Huez ITT and penalizing Johan, for a start)

German spitting fans

French TV motorcycles

The guys who f*cked up the weight of his ITT bike

Simeoni

LA seems to ride better when he's mad at somebody. He reminds me of John McEnroe. If he's not ticked off, he can't get the juices flowing. Frankly, at this point, now that he has number 6, he probably couldn't care less about this stuff. Just a theory. Wonder if I just made the list? I Think OLN is Cheating on Me What is up with OLN? I feel used. OLN just had a huge “Cyclsms” in July, and now they're just putting on their pants, leaving my house, and never call me anymore. I'm hurt. That's no way to treat a cycling fan. Now, they are trying to win me back with a massive ONE HOUR of coverage of the entire three weeks of the Vuelta. Don't tease me like that. It's cruel. I plan to call CBS and see if there is any chance we can get back together. I wonder what John Tesh is up to? Andy Hampsten's Open Letter I hope you all read Andy Hampsten's open letter on doping. I thought it was one of the most well-written and thoughtful pieces on drugs in cycling. Andy's point was this debate should not be about who is clean and who is not, but about how we clean up the sport in the future. Frankly, until there is enough money devoted to testing in order to keep testing ahead of the people trying to circumvent it, this is a losing battle. I have some ideas. All professional teams should have to pay a fee to WADA for advancements in testing as a part of registration. Each national governing body should also be required to contribute. Hey, we'll have to start working on the genetically altered DNA test pretty soon. My Stalker To me this is actually pretty funny. A guy with nothing better to do with his time became so obsessed with figuring out who I am that he started trying to ferret out information from my journals, and even went so far as to try to track my e-mail address, so he could pin point me. He claimed he had me "surrounded." Lately, he seems to have lost interest, since I haven't heard from him for a while, but he reminds me of those people who go to Star Trek conventions. GET LIVES, PEOPLE! Team TIAA-CREF at Nationals Lionel wants to give one final shout out to my homies at Team TIAA-CREF. These boys just tore up the U23 Nationals. Hey, we're putting the National team outa business. Ian MacGregor won the RR. Blake Caldwell, who finished second, is really a TIAA-CREF guy in disguise. I will be sure someone kicks his ass for riding with the National Team in this race. 1. Ian MacGregor (Team TIAA-CREF/5280 Magazine)
2. Blake Caldwell (U23 National Team)
3. Timothy (Timmy) Duggan (Team TIAA-CREF/5280 Magazine) Timmy gets double props. He also medaled in the ITT: 2. Timothy Duggan (Team TIAA-CREF/5280 Magazine)
3. Blake Caldwell (U23 National Team)
8. Daniel Bowman (Team TIAA-CREF/5280 Magazine)
15. Sheldon Deeny (Team TIAA-CREF/5280 Magazine) Impressive, boys. JV really knows what he's doing. Vaughters' Vindication Speaking of JV. Some funny stuff occasionally passes over the transom. Before the Tour, Phil Gaumont described in detail how Cofidis got around the infamous "Jonathan Vaughters" rule. That's the one that kept JV from getting a cortisone shot when he was stung in the eye by a wasp and had to drop out of the Tour. Everyone knew it was a stupid, but how are you supposed to justify giving someone a banned substance, even though it coulda been administered by Gerard Porte and would have had no performance enhancing effects? JV, never one to allow that kind of mistreatment to pass unrecognized, sent me this bitter and sarcastic e-mail. I'd forgotten about it until recently, but thought the whole exchange was funny. Here was JV's original pitch: "Boy do i feel dumb about the whole 2001 TdF bee sting thing! Friggin' Credit Agricole! I coulda been a contendah'." (This is funny, 'cause it's just hard to picture JV as a 125 lb. Marlon Brando in "On the Waterfront.") My response: "What a shame. Man, if you'd only had a surreptitious cortisone shot, you coulda finished only two-and-a-half hours down on LA." JV, always the optimist had this retort: "yeah, but i might have won the stage after the bee sting!" Lionel: "I love you, brother. You are a true optimist. That's what I was thinkin' when I saw you going up the Tourmalet in the team cars the day before: 'JV's smart. He's saving it for the big attack tomorrow.' Come on, you were trying to get stung by a bee. Bobby Julich told me you were actually running through the gardens at the hotel after that stage looking for wasps." Is George Going to Become a Runway Model? I know GH's girlfriend is a professional model, but has he adopted her diet? Man, I saw him in street clothes at the Tour of Georgia and realized he looked very skinny. I didn't really realize how skinny he was until I saw this Graham Watson photo of the Tour TTT podium. Man, GH's legs are barely there. He's the skinniest guy on the team. I wanna know what he's eating. We're about the same height, but even at my skinniest, I don't think I was even close to that thin. He looks like he's under 150 lbs. Amazing. Pretty soon he's gonna be wearing those size 2 clothes that Vaughters wears. Geez, I used to be able to wear some of GH's reject clothes. Looks like those days are long gone. Lionel Putz, Esq.